To sum up only some of the highlights of the day, we will say doctor appointment for kid, haircut for kid gone bad, second doctor appointment for kid (not due to haircut, no worries), back and forth run for prescriptions, massive rain equalling an afro atop my q-tip pixie hairstyle, another kid sick that evening and a final collapsing of three kids beside me on the couch for the less than four hours to call the night's rest.
Today was kid sickery, a doctor visit for me on the grand path to getting on the right medication for the fibro so I can get back to the neurologists and figure out the mystery illness that acts like Parkinsons, more rain,bugger afro, being impressed with the week enough to leave the house in jammie pants (those close to me are gasping now), and finally, a collapsing nap on the couch. P.S.- I blame the couch. I got a new Ashley double reclining sofa for a hella deal that makes you wanna sing about poppin tags even though the mofo was new and it screams, "sleep with me!" Slut of a couch that it is.
Anyway, I fall asleep. Hard. The next thing I know, I am digging through a table full of candy. Mostly white chocolate (the only candy that truly must exist in the world- which I rarely give into the temptations of the rich pure sweetness.) I look around and I am in this room, like a hotel room, but in my mind, I know it is an apartment even though it is just a bedroom- a cluttered mess of a room full of things. The one thing I notice and recognize in reality is this green sweater stretched across one of two unmade beds. I know that sweater well. It was hers. My grandmother. I get excited. I love it when she comes to me in dreams. It always means something. She helps in some way. It doesn't matter if she is telling me to walk and be strong or if she is sliding a book that should belong to me past me and in to the hands of someone else. She guides me.
But no. Not this time. I hurt. A crippling pain one should not feel in their dreams. The idea of pain can exist, but the true physical pain should not be possible. Yet, there it is. The open incision of a broken heart beating so hard it nears exploding. She isn't in this dream. Only her memory. This room is for some reason supposed to be hers and I am there. But why?
They say you start forgetting a dream the moment you wake, and I never buy this idea because I recall so many details but I walk by the dresser and look at this photo for a moment. It falls as I pass it and I ignore it and go towards the door. But no, something forces me to step back and pick the photo up and place it properly on the dresser. It must be important, but for the life of me, I cannot recall who was in this photo. I clinch my eyes and fight hard to regain the image, but no. It is only a fog.
Small trinkets cover the dresser. Nothing I notice from reality. Letters, cards- it all looks like memories, but not my own. I feel like exploring would be prying. I walk back to the door and open it and call out for the children to come get candy. Kids pour in the room as I hand out as much of this candy covering the table that I possibly can. The crowd of young ones dwindle until I am alone again, but I leave the door open just in case a child hears of the free candy. I keep looking at the sweater. It is so bright and green. It is spread so perfectly across the bed.
Then I feel eyes on me. Uncomfortable eyes. Untrusting eyes. I am not a timid sort, so I turn to face the gaze that is turning my stomach. A man stands in the doorway with a look that represents everything uninnocent. I am prepared to take him on and out. He is gangly and short. Not a problem.
I underestimate this weird man- this maniac and before I know it, my hands are twisted behind my back, I am forced face down onto the first bed in front of the other and I can feel this is obviously going to be a horrid nightmare. I close my eyes but the room shakes. Maybe it is me, I think, my body going through more tremors. I open my eyes as the grip on my wrists let go a good bit. The other bed, directly behind me is shaking and vibrating at earthquake proportion. It is elevating. The horrible man runs off and I collapse in a full sob on the bed. I don't know why I am here. I don't know why any of this is happening. I don't know why she is not there. I can feel her and smell her and see things that are supposed to belong to her, the green sweater, I know for a fact is hers. I am furious. I know I am in a dream, I think. I think I know. I hope I am. Madness and sorrow takes over and I don't know what to do with it. I grab her sweater. That perfect green sweater and I sniff it. Emptiness fills my nose. Not a lingering part of her exists in the sweater beyond the memory of her wearing it. I rip it apart. Piece by piece until jade threads cover the floor.
I walk over, and for some reason, I eat a bite of that white chocolate. I the discover a sliding glass door that was not there before and walk outside. From the backyard, it is dark. A cool night. The deck is made out of terra cotta pots upside down. The bottoms are etched to look like decking boards and my dear friend and ex is there by the steps to tell me to step gently so the pots do not shatter. It is the most beautiful deck I'd ever seen. He told me how it costs us three hundred dollars but that only slightly hurt my big move. I don't know where I am moving, but in the dream, I don't question it.
I get into my car, my real car,and the back hatch opens. An old very southern and proper black lady tosses in a bag of dog food and gets into the back seat with this dog- this white adorable sad-eyed dog. She tells me I need to take it. It needs a home. I want this dog. My gosh, I want it. It is whimpering and licking my arm but I detach and tell her I cannot. I am moving. I don't know where I am going and I can't take this dog not knowing my path.
I watch through the windshield as the night sky gets darker and darker until I am not sure if the dream exists and where I am.
I wake up in tears. My cheeks, soaking wet. I try to analyze everything- the white chocolate, the sweater, the photo I cannot recall, the horrible man, the kids, the terra cotta deck, the dog.... Nothing makes sense other than I miss her and I don't feel guided in any sort of direction.
So, I do what I do. I look it up. I find the meaning. I, as some say, over-analyze. I could have worse habits.
Enjoy the workings of my mind:
Chocolate
To see chocolate in your dream signifies love, celebration and self-reward. It also suggests that you may be indulging in too many excesses and need to practice some restraint.
To see chocolate in your dream signifies love, celebration and self-reward. It also suggests that you may be indulging in too many excesses and need to practice some restraint.
To eat chocolate in your dream indicates that you are embracing your own sensuality.
Children
To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Alternatively, the dream may be highlighting your innocence, purity, simplicity, and carefree attitude. If you are fighting with children, then it implies that you are repressing your inner child.
To see children in your dream signify an aspect of yourself and your childlike qualities. You may be retreating back to a childlike state and longing for the past. You are trying to still satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurture. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Alternatively, the dream may be highlighting your innocence, purity, simplicity, and carefree attitude. If you are fighting with children, then it implies that you are repressing your inner child.
Grandmother
To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother.�She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.
To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother.�She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.
Bed
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape. If the bed is unmade, then it indicates that certain secrets will soon be exposed or revealed. You may be feeling inhibited in expressing your sexuality. Alternatively, it may mean that you are looking for domestic security and happiness. Or you just need more sleep.
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality. You may be looking for domestic bliss, for peace or for some form of escape. If the bed is unmade, then it indicates that certain secrets will soon be exposed or revealed. You may be feeling inhibited in expressing your sexuality. Alternatively, it may mean that you are looking for domestic security and happiness. Or you just need more sleep.
To dream that you are floating or lifting up into the air from your bed suggests that you are feeling helpless and� disconnected from those around you.
Photograph
To see a photograph in your dream indicates that there is a relationship that needs your attention.�You are not looking deep enough into the problem.Consider who or what is on the photo. The image may be trying to take you back to a particular moment in time.
To see a photograph in your dream indicates that there is a relationship that needs your attention.�You are not looking deep enough into the problem.Consider who or what is on the photo. The image may be trying to take you back to a particular moment in time.
Two (beds)
Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. The world is seen as being made up of dualities and opposites, as in the male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang, etc.
Rape
To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
To dream that you were raped or almost raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.
Deck
To dream that you are out on the deck represents your connection with your Self and with nature. You need to be more aware of your surroundings and appreciate the environment. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are all "decked out" for some special occasion. You are showing off.
To dream that you are out on the deck represents your connection with your Self and with nature. You need to be more aware of your surroundings and appreciate the environment. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor that you are all "decked out" for some special occasion. You are showing off.
Pot (the deck)
To see a pot in your dream represents your attitudes. The dream may be revealing hidden anger or frustration. You are up to something.
To see a pot in your dream represents your attitudes. The dream may be revealing hidden anger or frustration. You are up to something.
Car
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going.
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going.
Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is offering you insight and advice.
To see a stranger in your dream signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is offering you insight and advice.
White Dog
To see a white colored dog in your dream indicates that the intentions of a friend are pure and true.
To see a white colored dog in your dream indicates that the intentions of a friend are pure and true.
Dog
To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten.
To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten.
Night
To have a dream that takes place at night represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.
To have a dream that takes place at night represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.
To dream that it is night time, but it is still as bright as day, indicates that you now have clarity and insight into a once unclear situation. Something that was previously hidden is now being revealed to you.
And finally......
Sweater
To see or wear a sweater in your dream symbolizes warmth and love. You have a strong connection to your family and home life. Alternatively, a sweater represents innocence, immaturity, and/or naive thinking.
To see or wear a sweater in your dream symbolizes warmth and love. You have a strong connection to your family and home life. Alternatively, a sweater represents innocence, immaturity, and/or naive thinking.
Green
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to "go ahead". Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to "go ahead". Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.
Dark green indicates materialism, cheating, deceit, and/or difficulties with sharing. You need to balance your masculine and feminine attributes.
Rip
To rip something in your dream indicates dissatisfaction with the direction that a project or situation is going. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on "rip off" or "to rip on someone" as in to insult or bad mouth them. Consider if these scenarios parallel your waking situation.
To rip something in your dream indicates dissatisfaction with the direction that a project or situation is going. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on "rip off" or "to rip on someone" as in to insult or bad mouth them. Consider if these scenarios parallel your waking situation.
To see something rip in your dream suggests that you are overestimating the strength of something. In particular, to dream that your notebook is ripped means that you lack confidence in your ability to write and convey your thoughts. Alternatively, the dream may be a metaphor to signify the acronym for "R.I.P."
So there we go. The dream. The meanings. Of course I can analyze the heck out of it and place people in the meanings of each thing.
To sum it up. The sweater is because I love and miss her and everything is sums up the struggles of the past eight months- of health, heart, soul and beyond. But I am HBIC. I get what I want. I always come out on top. I will heal. I may not ever be the old me again but that is okay. I need to accept that because a better, stronger, evolved me is aching to escape the cocoon. Are you ready? I am.
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